WALL-E

Man, I'm just a movie going freak these days, aren't I. This time it was my choice for something to do (it was my birthday) so we went to see WALL-E.

It's an old story really, boy robot meets girl robot, boy robot follows girl robot to a distant place, forces conspire to keep boy robot and girl robot apart, there's a near tragedy, but then the boy robot and the girl robot live happily ever after.

I could do the usual SPOILER ALERT and tell you more, but the main plot really is as simple as the previous synopsis. The fun part is in the details, so I won't spoil that. I will say that this is the first PIXAR film with an actual live person appearing in it. apple MacIntosh references are all over the place (EVE looks more like an iRobot, WALL-E makes the same noise my son's iMac makes when it boots up, most of the robot voices are done with the voice synthesizer built into OSX, Macintalk). There's a "we ruined the Earth" theme, and a "giant corporation ran amuck" theme - which are noticeable, but don't make the film any less enjoyable. There is no real dialog for the first 2/3 of the film (the plot is set up using scenery, odd little video clips and music).

I really liked this film - it had the best of Cars and The Incredibles, in a unique story just as enjoyable - if not more. I was never remotely interested in seeing Ratatouille, Finding Nemo and Monster's Inc were only marginally interesting to me - so I'm not a guy who automatically brands anything from PIXAR as great. But this one is.

And yes, it has John Ratzenberger in it...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Wow, 2 new movies in less than a month! What are the odds? Where did he get the money? Why is he wasting it at a movie theater? Ok, so maybe that too much prattling, but here's the skinny...

My feeling about the movie is very much like the Harley Davidson motorcycle used in the film. Now I like Harley motorcycles (I have a '95 Fatboy, white on teal retro style paint, S&S carb, Vance and Heynes long shot pipes with Smart Partz baffles, Saddleman saddlebags, a big Rifle windscreen, and passenger floorboards), so I pay attention to them in movies. The film is set in 1957, and the motorcycle that Mutt (the younger hero of the film) rides has a mid '50s paint scheme, early '50s style tombstone taillights, a wide curved handlebar and -- wait a second, is that an Evo motor on that bike? It should have a Panhead, or maybe a Knucklehead motor, not a motor built in the late '80s! I want a better look, but they show the bike from the left side most of the time (where most Harley engines look similar at a glance). Hold on, that's a modern throttle control and switch assembly - what's going on? Turns out, rather than find a mid '50s authentic Panhead, Harley custom made a soft tail springer model with retro touches (thus explaining why the engine looked like an Evo - the twin cam motors look like the Evo).

The movie is a lot like that motorcycle, it looks good - and at first glance authentic - but when you look too close something seems off. In this case, it's a matter of trying to remember what movie you saw a certain gag, stunt, or effect in. Oh sure, recycling old tricks from the previous films is expected (including the unique Indy Jones fight sequence sounds Skywalker Sound pulled out of the vault), but do we have to see yet another chase through the jungle (desert, canyons, foothills) involving military vehicles? The Nazi's are swapped for Commies. Indy is scared by a snake. The Ark of the Covenant make a cameo appearance. But then there's the bit from "National Treasure II", and the bit from "The Mummy", and the bit from "The Mummy II". I'll give them props for at least mentioning one of the scientific improbabilities in film. I'll give them a raspberry for once again perpetuating the theory that "since we can't figure out how ancient people did something, it must have been aliens". And we even have an Area 51 reference. Marian Ravenwood is back, and to spoil a little, she finally gets her man at the end.

So did I dislike the movie (Jimmy said it sucks)? Well, it's like this - there was something not quite right about that Harley early in the movie, but I'll always like a Harley. There was something not quite right about this movie, but I still enjoyed it - and aside from closing out Harrison Ford's story, opens a door to start a new series with the newest young hipster action star, Shia LeBouf (yes, Stanley Yelnats from the movie "Holes"). Will I see it again? Yes, in 6-8 months when it comes out on DVD,

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Here you go, a spanking new movie, in time to make use of it!

OK, I have read the Chronicles of Narnia - every book, all the way through - but I've only done it once, and it was at least 15 years ago. Having said that, I go to the movies relatively untainted by my opinion of the book. So here we are, going in to see Prince Caspian...

The story, briefly, is that a year has passed for the Pevensey kids, 1300 years have passed in Narnia. Things are less friendly there now than when the Kings and Queens were there (seems some older, more conquest minded people found their way into the kingdom) and the kids are summoned back when Caspian (the crown prince) blows Susan's horn and "rallys the troops" so to speak. There's an abortive first strike on the bad guys (the Telmarines), followed by a nearly disastrous last stand - salvaged only by the timely arrival of Aslan the Lion (who saves the day with a tactic borrowed from the author's (C.S. Lewis) friend, JRR Tolkien). The day is saved, Caspian reclaims his throne (and that of all Narnia as well), Aslan offers a land of their own to Telmarines who don't want to stay in Narnia, and sends the Pevensey kids back to England.

The film shares a lot with many movie series, in that it (the second installment) is somewhat darker than the first. It also deals a lot with the kids growing up (the older 2 won't be returning to Narnia - Aslan says they have learned all they can from there), making mistakes, and learning from them. From a looking at my watch point of view - the first look was at the 1 hour mark, the second at the 2 hour mark, the third when the film was done - so that's not too shabby. My daughter and nephew (13 and 11) seemed quite entranced by the film, so it's main target audience seems to like it. It is a little more intense than the first, so the younger kids may not be as comfortable with the film (at least at the beginning). As for the rest, the lush scenery, the effects, the epic battles - all easily compare with the first film. If you liked the first film, you'll like this one - if you didn't, you probably didn't like The Lord of the Rings either...

Love at First Bite

I have several vampire flicks in the cabinet, but only one of them is actually a horror flick (Bram Stoker's Dracula). Of the other 2, only this one is about Dracula, the other (Once Bitten) is about a female vampire who bites virgins to stay young (which technically makes her either a succubus or incubus, I can't remember which, and really don't care). Love At First Bite, as the name implies, is a story of love amongst the Vampires. (ed. note: You can also add the entire Blade trilogy, Innocent Blood, Van Helsing, and to a lesser extent, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen)

The story starts with the Count being evicted from his ancestral castle by the Communist party, so they can use it for a gymnastic training center (now remember, Transylvania is part of Romania (which my pre-collapse spell checker insists on spelling as Rumania), and when this film was made, Romania was communist, and the most famous Romanian at the time was the gymnast Nadia Comanici). Faced with the prospect of living in government quarters, Dracula (George Hamilton) and his faithful servant Renfield (Arte Johnson) decide to go to America to search for his one true love, who this century is a big time New York fashion model (and played by Susan St. James, the half of Kate and Allie that wasn't Jane Curtain). Getting Dracula to fit in with modern America is not an easy task however. Renfield gets the wrong casket at the customs desk at the airport, and Dracula wakes up at a funeral instead of his hotel. Then, in order to get past the tight security around Susan, he changes himself into a dog, only to get caught by the dog catcher. He does find some good things though, lots of blood at a blood bank (pre-packaged in plastic disposable necks), and he even gets a relationship going with the Susan. Unfortunately, her old boyfriend / psychiatrist (Richard Benjamin), is also the descendant on one of Dracula's old enemies. But, since no one believes him except for one, old, broken down cop, Dracula is able to confess his love to Susan, who agrees to the three bites needed for her to become a vampire too. They change into bats and fly to the Caribbean, telling Renfield to meet them there with his coffin. But the Psychiatrist isn't left in the cold, Susan pays off her outstanding bill, and Dracula leaves his cape for the old, broken down cop.

This film is from the late 70's so it seems pretty dated these days. I'm kind of surprised that this movie hasn't become part of the '70's retro thing that's been going on lately. It's a very funny movie, and has George Hamilton and his really, really bad accent saying some really silly things. Johnson is sillier in his version of Renfield than Tom Waits was in his, but you'd expect that in a film like this. Besides, where else can you have such a good time while looking at those fabulous 70's clothes?

Lost in Space

I started writing a review for this film, but soon got caught up in what Steven King likes to call diarrhea of the typewriter. It kept getting longer and longer, and I still wasn't even near the final opinion paragraph. One trip to the recycle bin later, here I am starting fresh -- telling you just how excited I managed not to be about Lost in Space.

Here's where I got in trouble last time, so to keep it short: Robinson's and West -- good. Smith and spiders -- bad. Robot -- depends on where in the movie you are. Professor Robinson and his clan are off to save the world, by building a hyperspace gate around a new world just waiting for humanity to spoil and use up, just like they've done to the current one. Dr. Smith is secretly working for a group of bad guys who want to do the same thing, but before the Robinson's (they want to rule the new world). Smith reprograms the ship's robot to wreck the ship after it leaves Earth, but gets double crossed and left on the ship to die with the rest of them. He wakes up just in time to wake everyone out of cryo-sleep in time to helplessly plunge into the sun. Last gasp effort not to die -- use the hyperdrive. "There's no way of knowing where we'll go". "Anywhere's better than here". Several special effect shots later, they're in orbit around a strange planet in uncharted space, approaching a strange ship, after passing through some sort of temporal displacement. They dock to the strange ship, meet one cute monkey like alien, and several thousand very nasty spider aliens. They escape, Major West blows up the strange ship, which sends them crashing down into the planet below. They need more core material for their reactor before they can leave -- Professor R. and Major W. set off in search of some (this is as far as I got the first time, but it was 5 time longer than it is now -- aren't you glad I rewrote it?). They meet up with the only survivors of the mission they're on now -- a strangely mutated Dr. Smith (well, not yet, but soon), and a 40 year old Will Robinson. Shortly afterwards, the unmutated Dr. S. and a 10 year old Will Robinson show up as well. While the the two Will's discuss the finer points of time machine construction, the unmutated Dr. S. reprograms a robot he's never seen, and is about to kill them all when the previously mentioned mutant Dr. S. shows up. He apparently got a little too close to a nasty spider, and turned into one himself. Young Will, West, and normal Smith make it back to the ship, only to die in a crash. Old Will sends Daddy Robinson back through his time machine to rescue the family, they use the updated starcharts from the strange ship to set a course for Alpha Prime, and hopefully here we go.....

This film gives new meaning to phrase 'Special Effects Extravaganza' -- I honestly can't think of a single instant in the movie that didn't have some sort of effect. The actors seemed aware of that fact as well -- they almost seem to be cringing, wondering whether or not they're in the wrong place. The entire cast also seemed to be entirely too pale and moist throughout the film -- you'd have thought they'd been locked in a cave for the past 12 years. Matt LaBlanc, in an attempt to re-categorized himself, fails miserably -- Major West is too much like Joey from Friends trying to be macho. Lacey Chabert exists in her own Helium filled universe -- her voice is more appropriate for a cartoon mouse, than a teenage girl (it gets worse when they add a flanging effect for her personal diary entries). As for young Will Robinson -- two words, Wesley Crusher! The auxiliary cast is no better -- Maj. West's star fighting buddy -- if you were to clone Samuel L Jackson, then suck the talent out of the clone (to add to Mr. Jackson's considerable supply), you'd have this guy. And although some films at least pay lip service to the realities of physics, there's none here. The time displacement has absolutely no logic to it, and for a group of supposedly intelligent people, they have to be the stupidest group ever placed in a film. At least in horny teenage slasher films, the stupid ones get what's coming to them. Oh well, maybe this crew won't get a sequel -- that will have to do I guess.

Krull

This film was one of those 4 or 5 people in the car kind of things. I think it was me, Scott and Francie (brother and sister), Suzie (I went to school with her older brother), and maybe Devina (Suzie's friend) maybe not, it was quite a while ago and I've slept since then (for what it's worth, Francie doesn't remember it at all, although Scott seems to -- sort of). I do remember that for some reason we took Scott & Francie's car, but I drove (an old Ford Fairmont with bad brakes and iffy power steering), and we went to the Avon to see the afternoon showing of Krull. (ed. note: this happened a very, very long time ago, and it's possible that we all went to see "Metalstorm, the Destruction of Jared Syn" - I can't be sure this long after.)

Krull is a story of a young prince (Ken Marshall) from one group who is supposed to marry a young princess (Lysette Anthony) from another group, in order to end a long running war between the two groups. Oh yeah, there's also some prophecy (isn't there always) that says they'll conquer a planet, and their son will conquer a universe. Oddly enough, for a pair destined to produce a universe conquering son, the technology level of these people seems to be limited to swords and magic (thank goodness for those teleportation spells). The lovely couple are in the middle of the marriage ceremony (something involving fire and water) when The Beast (not just any old beast mind you, but THE Beast) sends his troops in to break things up, and steal the girl (seems The Beast wants in on some of this prophecy business). Both fathers are killed, leaving the young couple as the planet's rulers, so Ken has to go find Lysette and The Beast's magic traveling mountain. With his faithful mentor (Freddie Jones, without the silly Thufir Hawatt makeup he wore in Dune) he sets out to find the Glave. The Glave is a 5 bladed switchblade, that looks like an asterisk, and you throw like a boomerang. After finding the Glave, a bumbling magician (who can only do magic to himself), a bunch of outlaws (who after being promised almost certain death, decide to give up the easy life of crime and go with him anyway), and a Cyclops, they go off searching for Lysette (who's busy telling The Beast that she likes him, but really doesn't think they should get married). After a visit to a blind wizard fails to divulge the location of the magic traveling mountain, they go visit the Widow of the Web (Francesca Annis, in a much less attractive role than the one she had in Dune). Seems, the widow isn't really a widow, because she's married to Freddie (they just don't see much of each other anymore), and she tells him where to go. Unfortunately, Freddie uses all of his time to bring the news to Ken, and with his dying breath tells Ken where to go. So Ken and the traveling freak show find the mountain, (where most of them die), rescue the princess Lysette, kill The Beast, and live (or die as the case may be) happily ever after.

Among the actors in this film, Jones and Annis go on to star in Dune, Robbie Coltrane (an outlaw) goes on to star as a Nun on the Run (with Eric Idle) and Cracker (on A&E), Liam Neeson (another outlaw) plays Irish in High Spirits, German in Shindler's List, Scottish in Rob Roy, and small town American in Leap Of Faith. David Battley (the magician with the bad aim) was in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory before this. Anthony stars in Playboy and watches her career stagnate (her most recent appearance was in the remake of Trilogy of Terror, she had the Karen Black role), And Marshall? I've never seen him since. They made an arcade game based on this movie, which I thought strange, since very few people seemed to have actually seen it. It's a strange blend of fantasy and science fiction, so if you like that sort of thing, go ahead and give it a try.

The Hunt for Red October

I was checking my Email the other night, and after the cute little fanfare, found myself looking a note from my old Navy pal Skip. He had apparently been perusing the various reviews, and asked me if I was planning to review Crimson Tide. He's a big Gene Hackman fan (said he actually met him -- the biggest star I've ever met was Gordon Jump, the Maytag Repairman), and was curious about my reaction to the film. Unfortunately, I don't own a copy of the film, and haven't had a chance to even see it yet, so there won't be a review anytime soon. He also asked about The Hunt for Red October -- that one I do own -- so Skip, this one's for you.

ed. note: I finally did buy a copy of Crimson Tide.

The movie starts out with some hokey bit about the whole story being true, although the government denies it ever happened! (as if the government hasn't done enough unsavory things already) Anyway, we see a couple of Soviets talking on the sail of a massive submarine (we know they're soviets because they have red stars on their hats, and we're reading subtitles. We get the credits, and see the star of the show -- Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin) -- leaving his London home, and flying to DC (as in Washington). He meets with his boss, and shows him some pictures of the previously mentioned submarine that his friends in British Intelligence gave him. He wants to show them to a friend of his who knows more than a little about submarines. So he goes, and his friend (coincidentally named Skip) tells him the funny doors that have everyone confused, are for a new silent propulsion system. Jack goes back to tell his boss, but he already know -- because one of our submarines (the Dallas), doing some covert surveillance, listened to it as it faded from their equipment. Fortunately for our side, the Dallas has a whiz for a sonarman, and he's figured out how to track the silent submarine. The silent submarine is manned by a group of officers, who, with the exception of the political officer (who gets killed at the beginning of the film) and the doctor (who gets dropped off with the crew -- more later), are planning to defect to the US, and they're bringing the submarine with them as a present. Unfortunately, the captain of the sub, Marko Ramius (Sean Connery) sent a letter to his boss telling him of their plan. Needless to say, he wasn't terribly happy about it. He sends the entire Northern Fleet after them. This alarms the gang in charge of the US military -- and poor Ryan gets called in to give an impromptu presentation of the life and times of the average Soviet Submarine Commander. With the help of a few convenient coincidences, he manages to figure out the defection plot, and in payment for his good work, he gets sent out to the fleet to explain it to an English Butler and a republican senator --- scratch that -- the heads of the fleet tracking the Soviets. There's a bit of drama involving a carrier landing crash, and some conflict between the American and Soviet planes, but through all this, Jack still figures out more of the plan, and gets put on a helicopter that takes him out to the Dallas. He gets there, and as he's telling the Captain what's going on, the Soviet ambassador is telling the National Security Advisor that Ramius is actually planning on starting WWIII. The NSA actually believes that, rather than his own CIA advisor, and tells all his ships to hunt it down and destroy it. Dallas knows where the ship is -- has the whole time -- but instead of blowing it up, Ryan manages to talk them out of it, and they make contact and arrange a ruse. They send the sub to a prearranged spot, where the reactor conveniently goes critical. Lo and behold, there's an American ship there to arrange a rescue for the crew (where they get rid of all the crew not in on the defection plot). Ryan and some of the crew from the Dallas go over to the Red October using a DSRV (so the folks on the surface don't see them). After a tense moment of silence, the two crews start warming to each other, only to hear the whine of a torpedo zip by. A soviet cries out that the Americans are shooting at us, but Jonesy (the Dallas' sonarman) points out that the pitch is too high, it was a Soviet torpedo. They all start rushing to battle stations, only to have somebody start shooting at them. Apparently they didn't get all the crew off -- one of them is planning on destroying the sub before the Americans can get to it. So, we spend several tense moments, watching Soviets on the inside and the outside of the Red October try to destroy it. Ryan kills the guy inside, just before he can set off one of the missiles, and with the help of the Dallas, the rest of the crew destroys the Soviet sub shooting from the outside. They pilot the Red October into a small, quiet, inlet -- far from any military base -- to hide it for a while, and Ryan and Ramius discuss the boat, the reason they defected, and fishing. Back in DC, the Soviet ambassador and the NSA discuss the supposedly destroyed Soviet missile boat, the current state of the art in deep sea submersibles, and yet another missing submarine.

So, what problems does this movie have? Sean Connery, Sam Neill, Tim Curry, and Joss Ackland portray most of the Soviets in the film. None of these actors are remotely Slavic -- they're all English (except Neill, who's from Australia). Neill and Ackland (who was also the South African ambassador in Lethal Weapon II) do fairly good Russian accents, but Connery's has too much Scottish in it, and Curry doesn't even try. Daniel Davis (better known as the butler on The Nanny) and his clipped slightly British accent (Davis was born and raised in Arkansas) seem wrong for a Captain of an American air craft carrier. Fred Dalton Thompson (the republican senator from Tennessee) also brings up an unusual question -- why do fat, obnoxious right wing talk show hosts accuse everyone in Hollywood of being left wing liberals, but any time there is an actor involved in national government, he's always a republican? Thompson, Sonny Bono, Fred Grandy, and especially Ronnie Raygun. The film? I like Tom Clancy -- and I like this film, particularly Alec Baldwin's portrayal of Jack Ryan. Personally, I never met any non-commissioned officer as quiet and refined as Ron Jones (Courtney Vance), and actually very few officers either, but Clancy seems to hold the Navy with some sort of idyllic reverence. That's fine with me.

Hudson Hawk

I like bad movies (as you can see by looking at some of the titles). Movies so bad they're funny. So does the rest of the country. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is the classic bad movie, and look how popular it became. Look how famous Jim Carrey has become. They even like bad in France, why else would they watch Gerard DePardieu and (God help them) Jerry Lewis. But when someone big does bad, and does it expensively, we castigate them with a vengeance, which explains why so many people slammed Hudson Hawk.

Hudson Hawk stars Bruce Willis as (coincidentally enough) Hudson Hawk, a cat burglar who has just been paroled. Hawk is like a grown up version of Macaulay Culkin (who thankfully isn't in this film), he's a smug smart aleck, and you just want to go up to him and slap that stupid grin off of his face. Fortunately, lots of people in this movie feel the same way, and spend lots of time slapping Bruce Willis around (that alone should be worth the price of a rental). Danny Aiello plays a foul mouthed Italian (gee, what a stretch) who spouts four letter words while helping Hawk pull off an art heist. At the gallery Hawk had just ripped off the night before, we meet Andie MacDowell as a nun(???) who works for the Vatican's secret service agency, and after forgetting her vows, becomes Willis's love interest. The Mayfairs, an insane brother and sister team played by Sandra Bernhard (Bernhard as a psychotic, who'd of thunk it) and Richard Grant (in a career low for a normally fine actor), are trying to get parts of a crystal that turns lead into gold. Da Vinci (who made the crystal) hid the parts in various places, including the horse sculpture that Willis steals first, a model of a flying machine (which James Coburn (in the part of a CIA guy gone nuts) and his assistants steal) and the Codex (one of Da Vinci's notebooks, which Willis steals from the Vatican before Bill Gates had a chance to buy it (the Codex, not the Vatican)). The movie also has David Caruso in a part where he doesn't speak (large cheer), and ends up getting shot with a crossbow (very large cheer). Danny Aiello gets blown up (large cheer) but survives in a flurry of four letter words (large boo).

The movie is bad, but I said that up front. It's also funny, as long as you aren't a studio exec who paid an outrageous amount of money to Bruce Willis for what he said would be the comedy of the year. But for a few bucks, what can you loose.

Home Alone

n a few of the reviews I have made less than encouraging remarks about Macaulay Culkin. It's not that he's a bad actor, he does better than the average kid his age would do, but I simply despise excessively smug people (I dislike Bono, Judd Nelson, Robert Plant, Sinead O'Connor, and Don Henley for the same reason). He wasn't always that way, he used to be a cute little kid actor, that is, until he starred in Home Alone.

This is another one of those 'every one has seen it' kind of movies, it's even been a Sunday night Family movie on network television, so you have no excuses. The story: A rather large, extended family decides to travel together on trip to another relative's in Paris for Christmas. One of the younger ones (our hero) isn't happy about being lost in the shuffle, and gets mouthy at the dinner table, and sent to his room. He goes to the attic instead, and when the family misses the wake up call in the morning, he never sees them leave. The family leaves him, because they just did a head count, not a roll call, and they mistook a nosy neighbor brat as one of the traveling wilburys. So, little Kevin awakes to find his fondest wish granted, he has the house to himself. Meanwhile, half way across the Atlantic, Kevin's parents (John Heard and Catherine O'Hara) wake up and notice one of their kids is missing. While this is a cute premise, it's not exactly a strong conflict builder, so...... Enter Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci as 'The Wet Bandits'. These two have been staking out and robbing houses that are left empty over the holidays. When they get to Kevin's house, they scare Kevin, who scares them off twice. Then they find out that the only person home is just some snot-nosed little kid, no match for them. Meanwhile, an increasingly lonely and frightened Kevin makes friends with the 'boogey man' (Roberts Blossom) next door, who's actually just a lonely old guy who misses his grand-daughter. The Bandits tell Kevin they're coming to get him, so Kevin booby traps the house. This is where the film becomes a live action Loony Tunes cartoon. The bandits are dropped, smashed, roasted, tortured, and yet they keep trying to get Kevin, and almost succeed, until he's rescued by the old guy next door. The Wet Bandits are arrested and shipped to jail, the old guy is reunited with his estranged son and grand-daughter, and Kevin's mom (who has just endured the longest adventure since Planes, Trains, and Automobiles), arrives home only minutes before the rest of the clan (who returned on their regular return flight), and they all live happily ever after .. until Home Alone II.

I find it hard to believe that his movie was originally intended to showcase Culkin, not when it had so many other bigger names in it. I think, when test audiences saw the film, they were so enchanted with the cute little kid, that the producers centered the film around a kid even less well known than his brother is now (give yourself a cookie if you guessed Kieran, who is also in this film btw). And this film definitely made a star out of Macaulay Culkin. If you haven't seen Home Alone II, don't bother, it's an almost carbon copy of this film (the boy and bandits are the same, the location is his uncles house in New York, the creepy old man is a creepy old bag lady, but the pratfalls are all the same). This film is cute and funny, Home Alone II is stupid and pointless, and heaven help us if they ever make Home Alone III.

Heaven Help Us

I don't know a whole lot about Catholicism (strange way to begin a review, isn't it). I was brought up Baptist, where you go to church for a while, then you and God reach an understanding that you're a sinner, and the only way to get around that is to confess your sins and accept Christ as your saviour, then you get baptized and you're then a Baptist. Pretty simple really; believe, repent, accept, get wet, and become another name on the Nursery list. But Catholics, that's pretty mystical to me. You get sprinkled as an infant, then when you're older, you go to classes, where you learn what you need to know to be a good productive member of the church (an idea most Baptist churches should think about), partake of your first communion, go to confession, recite prayers and penitences, and become another name on the Nursery list. This is all hearsay (that's Here-Say, not hair-ess-ee, don't get confused) to me though, cause most of my knowledge of Catholicism comes from movies like Nuns On The Run and Heaven Help Us.

Heaven Help Us is labeled as 'Porky's gone parochial' on the box, which is a disservice to this movie, because it's much better than that. Porky's is about the most disgusting aspects of adolescence the filmakers could dredge up, while Heaven... is about good and bad in an early '60s Catholic school. The film stars Andrew McCarthy as a quiet teen who transfers midterm from one Catholic school to another, when he and his sister move in with his grandparents. His Grandma wants him to be a priest, but he isn't sure what he wants. So he goes to his new school, where the school headmaster (Donald Sutherland) tells him what to expect, how to act, and sends him to class. There he meets the school loser, the school hood (Kevin Dillon), the new teacher (John Heard, the dad in Home Alone), and the sadistic Brother Constance. Dillon pulls a prank on wimpy, which Andrew sees, but doesn't tell about, which gets him in trouble with Brother Sadist, but also earns him the dubious honor of friendship with Dillon. After school they go to the soda fountain / newsstand run by Mary Stuart Masterson (what a cutie!). She runs the place because her dad suffers from melancholia caused by his wife leaving him. Andrew and Mary hit it off, once she figures out that he's not like the rest of the Catholic school kids that regularly trash her shop (especially when the monks and nuns come to take names of the 'evil' kids hanging out there). The monks finally get the store closed, by calling in the police who cart off Mary's catatonic dad to the funny farm, and send Mary to a relative far away. Andrew is devastated, and his friends, in an effort to cheer him up, get back at the school for him. They get caught though, and this leads to the big confrontation between Andrew and Brother Sadist. After the dust settles, Andrew and his friends are suspended for a week, Brother Sadist is transferred out where he won't be working with kids anymore, and, in a closing credit voice-over telling the 'where they ended up' stories, everyone lives happily ever after. Interspersed throughout the film are the type of gags that you would expect from a comedy about growing up in a Catholic school: Wallace Shawn delivers an hilarious speech on lust before a dance with a sister school (this was before the age of coed schools), various hijinks in and out of the confessional booths, the usual sort of stuff.

Unlike Porky's, there isn't gratuitous nudity (unless you count a bunch of bare male butts before a swimming class), and there is actually a serious element to the plot. Ok, it's not The Boys Of St. Vincents, but I think it's worth seeing. It certainly beats Porky's.

The Golden Child

The fate of the world rests in one small bald headed boy. Bet you thought everything depended on Clinton, Yeltsin, and all the other idiots with their fingers hovering over the buttons, didn't you. Well Stella, this is Hollywood, and in Hollywood, anything and everything happens. This time, it happens to Eddie Murphy, and The Golden Child.

Eddie Murphy is a ... well, I don't know exactly what he is. I guess you'd call him an activist. He doesn't have a job, but he runs around rescuing inner-city kids from the various things that seem to happen to them. This time, he's trying to find a girl that has been missing for several days. While all this is going on in LA, Charles Dance (the bad guy in Last Action Hero as well), has been massacring monks in some distant Tibet monastery, just so he could kidnap the little bald headed kid (and no, it isn't Charlie Brown). It seems that this kid isn't just any child, he's the golden child (I'm sure there are lots of disappointed parents out there - discovering that their kid is just an ordinary golden child). The fate of the world depends on this one kid. Did I mention that he's magical as well? Yeah - he can make pop cans turn into little dancing men, colorful birds appear out of nowhere and transmit messages to people, one touch turns the meanest person into a real sweeten, and he can live on one little leaf a day (and you thought your diet plan was extreme!) The reason he's living on leaves is, Charlie wants to kill the kid (Charlie is actually some sort of demon, and offing the kid would give his master the ultimate power trip). The kid can't be killed by normal means, but if he eats something that defiles him, he wouldn't be so lucky. So Charlie keeps offering food with blood in it, and this is where Eddie comes in, because the blood was from the girl who was missing. Actually, Eddie was about to get out, but along comes Charlotte Lewis - one of the good guys - who tells Eddie what's going on, an that he's the Chosen One - the guy who is destined to rescue the golden child. Naturally enough, he's very skeptical, so she takes him to James Hong (look for him in Bladerunner and Wayne's World 2), who introduces him to the Dragon Lady who lives in the basement (her mother was raped by a dragon several hundred years ago, so she is quite literally a dragon lady). So, Eddie and Charlotte go off in search of Charlie and his cohorts. Their first stop is a biker hangout, where Eddie tells Charlotte to wait in the car while he goes in to check the place out. They catch him, and Charlotte rescues him (she also has her white blouse soaked to near transparency - the closest thing to nudity in this film - well, there is Eddie's dream -but that's later). The next stop is a Chinese restaurant, where Eddie tells Charlotte to wait in the car while he goes in to check the place out. They don't catch him, only because Charlotte came in before they had a chance. They're hot on the trail of the guy they're after, but Charlie (the little rat) kills the guy before he can talk. They give up for the night. Eddie invites Charlotte up, but she declines and stays in her car, guarding his house. That night, Charlie invades Eddies dreams, and tells him that he wants the Ajanti Dagger, and that he's willing to make a swap. In actuality, the head demon told Charlie that the Ajanti Dagger is the only way he could kill the golden child, but he didn't mention that to Eddie. After Charlie burns the shape of the dagger on his arm (so he'd remember) Eddie wakes up. He goes down to Charlotte, and they go to James, and he decides to send them to Tibet to get the dagger. Well, by the time they're ready to leave, Charlotte has fallen in love with Eddie, they've slept together, and she's told him if he doesn't cooperate, she'll try to do it by herself. So, Eddie quits trying to talk her out of the trip, and off they go to Tibet. They arrive, and while Charlotte's arranging passage inland, Eddie gets ripped of by an ugly little street peddler (Victor Wong), who disappears from beneath his nose. When our brave adventurers make to the temple where the dagger is, Eddie finds that the ugly little street peddler is the head of the monastery, the guy he needs to get the knife from, and in another strange twist of fate, is Charlotte's father (grandfather, or something - he's the guy she considers her father, that's what counts). So, Eddie gets the knife (after braving an adventure worthy of a CD-ROM game), they manage to get it on the plane, and return to the US, where Charlie's waiting at the gate with the police. He told them that Eddie stole the knife from him, and wanted him arrested. Eddie takes him aside, and explains that if Charlie has him arrested, the police will take the knife and lock it in a little room until after the trial, which could be a long time, whereas, if he followed his agreement, he could have the knife soon. Charlie leaves in a huff, Eddie and Charlotte go to a house where they'll be safe. Yeah right. That night, Charlie and his minions attack, get the knife, and while attempting to kill Eddie, get Charlotte instead. The Dragon lady tells him that the only hope she has is if Eddie can get the golden child to her before the sun goes down. Eddie goes, and after big fights and showdowns with demons, rescues the golden child, brings him back to Charlotte - and just in time I might add - and after her successful resuscitation, they all live happily ever after. Except for Charlie that is.

This movie was an attempt to capitalize on Murphy's early success in films, and comes quite close. He's very funny in the film, and the script gives him lots of chances to be extremely witty. The special effects are OK, even with the heavy use of stop action photography (the Dragon Lady looks an awful lot like an attractive version of Medusa from Clash Of The Titans, for example). The film, while not exactly a block buster, didn't seem to hurt any careers, in fact, the only major character actor in the film I've never seen elsewhere was J. L. Reate, the little baldheaded kid himself. OK, maybe the film isn't as golden as it's title, but it certainly is shiny enough.

Four Weddings and a Funeral

Four Weddings and a Funeral. You know, that pretty much summarizes the big plot points in the movie. Yes, there are 4 weddings (well, maybe more like 3½ - more later), and 1 funeral, but there is more to the film than that. Actually, this film is just an English version of the TV show 'Friends'.

Let's see, among the core group we have: A brother and sister pair, one of whom has a big crush on one of the other group members; two guys rooming together; a ditzy female; they're all witty, yet still single; and all fiercely devoted to each other. Ok, the two guys rooming together are gay, and in this case it's the sister who has a crush on one of the other group members. Plus they're short one female, but who's counting. Anyway, the story: We start with Charles (Hugh Grant) waking up only to find he's late for Wedding #1 and he's the best man. He runs around his flat, wakes up his (platonic) roommate Scarlett (Charlotte Coleman), and heads out the door. By the way, if you find multiple repetitions of the "F" word offensive, you might want to turn the sound down for the first 3 minutes or so, because they say it more often than they do in Glengary Glen Ross (although I think GGR manages to be far more offensive). After lots of troubles (and lots of swearing) they finally make it to the church, where the other friends are waiting. We see the wedding, hear Charles' witty bridal toast, meet the next couple to get married, the rookie priest who marries them (Rowan Atkinson), and Charles' love interest, an interesting American girl named Carrie (Andie MacDowell). After the dinner the friends go off to Tom (James Fleet) and Fiona's (Kristin Scott Thomas) ancestral castle. Charles decides to try to find Carrie, and is about to give up, when she finally shows up, invites him up, and into bed (I didn't think the British moved that quick - oh wait, it was the American girls idea - that explains it). Morning comes and they go their separate way, at least until the next wedding. The gang attends this one en-mass as well, and sure enough, Charles sees Carrie again. He's so excited, but then things go really bad. Carrie says she's getting married, and she introduces him to her fiance. Then some witty person seats him at a table with all his ex-girlfriends, who end up finding out all the bad things he's ever said about them. Then, after getting trapped in the same room with the newlyweds (while they consummate their marriage), Carrie maliciously sleeps with poor Charles again! Wedding #3 - Carrie and Hamish (Corin Redgrave). The group attends again, partly to support Charles, but also because they like a good party. During this party, the friends all decide that it's time they all got married, and Fiona admits to Charles that she's been in love with him for years. Then tragedy strikes, Gareth (Simon Callow), the fellow living with Matthew (John Hannah), has a heart attack and dies. Then we have - The Funeral. Then suddenly, we see that Charles is getting married - but aren't told to who. The friends play a trick on him, setting the clocks an hour ahead, so he thinks he's about to miss his own wedding - to one of the ex-girlfriends mentioned earlier. Just as the wedding is about to start, he finds out that Carrie is divorced from Hamish. His brother David (David Bower) knows that something is wrong, and when the preacher asks for reasons why they shouldn't get married he says that Charles is in love with someone else. Charles admits to it, the bride decks him, and calls the wedding off (that's why I said there were only 3½ weddings in the film). Carrie shows up, dripping wet from a rainstorm, at his door, they profess their love, and end up never getting married. Scarlett gets married to a cowboy she met at Carrie & Hamish's wedding, Tom marries a girl he meets at Charles' aborted wedding, Matthew finds himself a new guy, Fiona marries Prince Charles (apparently the producers knew back then that old Chuck and Di wouldn't stay together ), David marries a girl who learned sign language just so she could talk to him (David's deaf by the way), and last, but not least, Charles and Carrie have a little boy, but still never get married.

This is a cute movie. I know some people (guys mostly) are thinking, "Oh great, a cute movie, just what I wanted to see". But let's face it, any good romantic comedy is cute, whether you like it or not. I just happen to think you'll like this one. Just remember, the early dialog is somewhat limited, and if you're severely homophobic, you'll not like the gay couple. I wouldn't recommend showing this to little kids, but that's why they put ratings on movies. Tell you what, get your significant other, curl up on the couch together and watch this film. You'll thank me for it.

Dune

When a mere slip of a youth, my best friend and I would visit the library (riding our bicycles and listening to Yellow Submarine on the way), me to find something new and intriguing by Heinlein or Clarke, he a few rows down waiting to pounce on the latest Dune book. I thought they (Dune books, that is) looked silly at the time, but he just tore through them; which is why I thought his bemoaning the movie Dune was so strange. Years later, when I finally saw the film myself, I thought it was pretty good. A little strange of course, all this talk of sandworms, Fremen, weirding modules ... but still interesting. Then I made the killer mistake of reading the book. I could see his point.

The film is the story of Paul Atreidies (Kyle MacLachlan) and his rise to power over the entire known universe (some of the pre-history is told to us in the opening narration by Princess Irulan (Virginia Madsen)). His father, Duke Leto Atreidies (Jurgen Prochnow), is told by the Emperor (Jose Ferrer) to move from Caladan to Arrakis (aka Dune), and take over the planet from the Harkonnens. Dune, a depressingly dry place, is the only source of The Spice, which extends life, enhances perception, and makes interstellar travel possible. Paul, Leto, and Paul's mom Jessica (Francesca Annis (who almost made me forget how georgeous Sean Young looked in Blade Runner)) go to Dune with Thufir Hawatt (Freddie Jones in silly makeup), Gurney Halleck (Patrick Stewart (of Capt. Picard fame)), Dr. Yueh (Dean Stockwell (of Al the Hologram fame)), and Duncan Idaho (Richard Jordan (he was also in The Hunt For Red October, but I don't think it made him famous)). Dr. Yueh turns traitor, and helps the Baron Harkonnen (Paul Smith) defeat the Atreidies, and retake the extremely valuable spice mining business from them. Leto, Yueh, and Idaho are killed, Hawatt is captured, and Paul and Jessica escape to the Fremen, and meet Stilgar (Everett McGill). There Jessica gives birth to Alia (Alicia Witt (who is now mostly grown up and was last seen pretending to be Cybill Shepherd's daughter on her latest sit-com)) and becomes a Reverend Mother. Paul becomes a Fremen, rides sandworms, meets Chani (Sean Young in a considerably less glamorous role than she had in Blade Runner), and plots his return to power. He meets up with Halleck (who also managed to escape the earlier carnage), and they all defeat the Emperor, the Harkonnens, and in a big final knife fight, Paul kills the Baron's heir, Feyd-Rautha (Sting, (of Sting fame)). He is proclaimed the Kwisatz Haderach by his sister, it rains, then the credits roll. In and of itself, an interesting film, but when it calls itself Dune ... ah the trouble.

Paul (who was small for his age) and Feyd-Rautha start the book as young teenagers, something Kyle MacLachlan and Sting definitely weren't, a key knife fight was dropped out (that established Paul's 'divinity' as it were), and the voice overs were overused. The music (by Toto) sounded a whole lot like something Freddy Mercury and the guys in Queen decided was too silly to put in the Flash Gordon soundtrack. But the biggest gripes; what is this wierding module crap? Sound as a weapon? Words killing? Killing words? Who do they think they are, Andy Rooney? And where did they come up with this 'heart plug' nonsense (and what ruler in his right mind would put one on himself as well!) Those were the silliest things in the film (while some people might think the Fat Flying Baron Harkkonen and his fondness for young boys a bit dumb, there is basis for it in the book). As a separate film, it's kind of fun to watch, but I've been to Dune, and this isn't it.

Bram Stroker's Dracula

I just finished reading Dracula for the umpteenth time, so I'm just chock full of inspiration for this review. Of course, I'm not the only one inspired to write something after reading Dracula, Stephen King took on the vampire myth with the book (then TV movie) 'Salem's Lot. Roger Corman, maker of outrageously dumb and over-bloody 'B' movies offered up Dracula Rising. One of the first movies, Nosferatu, is the story of the infamous count. Then we have the comedies and spoofs, Love At First Bite, Once Bitten, Blackula (?), Dracula's Dog (??), Bunnicula (???), and even a breakfast cereal - Count Chocula. Lots of possibilities, but for now, let's look at film Bram Stoker's Dracula, shall we?

This film (for the 12 of you who haven't seen it) stars (deep breath now) Winona Ryder (Mina Murray-Harker), Keanu Reeves (Jonathan Harker), Sadie Frost (Lucy Westenra), Richard E. Grant (Dr. John Seward), Cary Elwes (Arthur Holmwood), Tom Waits (R. M. Renfield), Bill Campbell (Quincey Morris), Anthony Hopkins (Dr. Van Helsing) and Gary Oldman (Ol' Drac himself). The film starts with a brief history of Dracula in his pre-vampire days, nearly all of which was invented by the author of the screenplay. We then jump up several hundred years to the (movie's) present, where a young solicitor named Harker is traveling through eastern Europe, on his way to attend to the business of an important client named Dracula. After his trip (and what a long, strange trip it's been .. oops sorry, we're discussing the undead, not the Grateful Dead), he arrives at the decrepit castle of his host, who greets him cordially, offers him food, and gets down to business. After the business, Dracula sees a photo of Harker's intended, the lovely Mina (who bears a striking resemblance to the Count's dead wife from the unauthentic opening sequence). He then gives Harker a stern warning about falling asleep in any other part of the castle, which Harker promptly ignores, and is visited by 3 semi-clad young lady vampires, who are stopped from sucking him dry by the convenient arrival of the Count. But alas, Harker's reprieve is a brief one, and the count travels to England, leaving Harker in the clutches of the evil semi-clad Hell-whores (and no, they aren't Sandra Bernhard, Madonna, and Shannon Doherty). We then go to England to meet Mina, who is visiting her wealthy friend Lucy, and meeting Lucy's three boyfriends, Messrs.. Seward, Morris, and Holmwood. Lucy eventually chooses to marry Holmwood (why not, he soon becomes Lord Godalming, and is quite rich to boot), but then Dracula arrives, and before you know it, Lucy is well on the way to becoming a semi-clad Hell-whore. Holmwood calls Dr. Seward, who can't figure anything out, so he calls his mentor, Dr. Van Helsing who arrives too late to be of much help. Meanwhile, Mina has been hanging out with this neat new Prince Vlad, who she met on the streets of London. They get closer and closer and closer and then she gets word from Harker, and leaving her prince behind, goes to Harker, and becomes Mrs. Harker. Vlad is beside himself with grief, and that's when Dracula finally does in Lucy for good. Van Helsing then gives the intrepid vampire hunters their first lesson in vampire extermination on Lucy. The Harkers come back, and after comparing notes with the others, discover that Prince Vlad and Dracula are the same, and that he is the reason for Lucy's death. So they all go to Dr. Seward's insane asylum (where we've been getting amusing glimpses of Renfield), which happens to be next door to Dracula's London Lair. While they're out hunting Drac, he's busy recruiting Mina into his herd of Hell-whores (but since Ms. Ryder was somewhat modest at the time, she never becomes semi-clad). Dracula, after finding most of his London Lair destroyed, runs home to Transylvania, with the vampire scouts in hot pursuit. We have a big chase scene, Morris is mortally wounded, as is Dracula, who staggers into his castle with Mina, who finally puts him out of their misery for good.

The film, though better than most of the Dracula flicks made so far, still suffers from the flaws most of them have, mainly that Dracula goes after Mina because she's his one true love. Problem is, there's no trace of that in the book. Dracula's only motive is his thirst and he goes to London, because his little mountain retreat isn't exactly having a population explosion, and London is. With that BIG exception, the film is quite faithful to the book, using many of the same scenes, literary devices (the book is a collection of journal entries, letters, and newspaper clippings) and dialog. If you can get around the 'Love Never Dies' theme Coppola slapped on this film, you'll find it quite enjoyable.

Defending Your Life

Some of my friends might disapprove of this film, because they are theologically correct, and this film isn't. It's not their fault of course, some people just don't have a sense of humor when it comes to what they believe. (ed. note I wrote this a long time ago, and since then I've seen Hollywood culture hammer conservative Christians enough that my sense of humor has worn quite thin on the subject as well) I of course enjoy life when it's funny, and complain when it isn't. As for my afterlife, I believe what I believe, and a silly movie like Defending Your Life isn't going to change my mind.

The film starts with Daniel (Albert Brooks) being driven to a car lot to pick up his new BMW - a convertible (as a matter of fact, I believe it's the same car the heir apparent to the company I used to work for drives). He's moving up in the world - advertising or something like that, and is finally enjoying a bit of his success. He gets the car, says 'bye' to his friend, and takes his first ride in his dream car. It also turns out to be his last. As he's listening to his Barbara Streisand CD, he leans over to pick something up, and runs head-on into a bus (What an awful way to die - listening to Barbara Streisand). When he 'wakes up', he finds himself sitting in a wheelchair, being pushed down a long hallway (white, and brightly lit of course). At the end, he is helped out of the wheelchair, and placed aboard a tram, taking him to Judgment City. Judgment City (the tour guide points out) is closely modeled after a large west coast city - since Daniel died in a large west coast city. There are other cities for other areas, and a special city for teen-agers (seems they were always trashing things in the other cities). He gets to his hotel, where a bellhop shows him to his room, and advises him to sleep - he's had a long trip - and that he'll get his wake up call in the morning. The next day, after a quick breakfast and a tram ride from his hotel, he meets his lawyer (Rip Torn) who explains to him just what's going on. Life on Earth is just the first step in a person's existence, and when a person dies, he comes to Judgment City, where his life is evaluated. If, after evaluation, the person has conquered their fears, then they continue on to the next stage of their life, otherwise the person gets sent back to Earth to try again (this apparently doesn't apply to small children, they get bumped to the next level automatically). Apart from the ominous sounding name, Judgment City actually seems to be a cool place to visit. There are lots of things to do (after a long day defending your life), and fabulous restaurants - and the neat thing is, you can eat and drink as much as you want without worrying about your weight, cholesterol, blood alcohol level etc. (I guess that's one good thing about being dead, you can't get any deader). Anyway, after meeting the prosecutor in his case (Lee Grant), Daniel needs an evening out. He visits a comedy club, and after proving himself funnier than the comic on stage, meets Julia (Meryl Streep). Julia was a housewife who accidentally drowned in a swimming pool. The two of them hit it off. They spend most of their out of court time together; Daniel even stops by and sees how her trial is going. His isn't going to good - seems Daniel was just to nervous and uncertain to really enjoy life. After seeing Julia's, he begins to feel that things are not going to go in his favor. The final nail in Daniel's coffin (so to speak) is when he's too scared to spend his last night with a woman he has genuinely fallen in love with. The court decides to send him back. Heartbroken, Daniel gets in line to go back to Earth, and sees Julia in the line to move on. As the trams take off in different directions, Daniel finally finds the courage he's managed to avoid all his life (death?). He jumps out of his tram, and runs to the one Julia's in, braving traffic and some sort of temporal disturbance just to be with Julia. Back in the courtroom, they're all watching this, and decide that Daniel has in fact left his fear behind, and let him on the tram with Julia, where they both die happily ever after.

Albert Brooks is a strange guy - apart from being so neurotic he makes Woody Allen seem well adjusted, his humor is so low key as to be below the range of human hearing. This time, however, he managed to make a film most people could enjoy. There's a range of humor here, from the inaudible low key stuff (most of which he uses on Meryl Streep), to the fairly obvious, almost slapstick physical stuff (the attempt at bravery on a snowmobile), to the borderline insulting stuff (having Shirley Maclaine as the host in the 'Past Lives Pavilion' was almost a stroke of genius). This was one of his more successful films, and if you miss it in this life, well, maybe you can see it next time around.

Death Race 2000

Did you ever drive down the road, see someone walking along the side, and say to a passenger, "how many points do I get if I hit him/her?" Did you ever wonder where that particular sentiment came from? Perhaps Death Race 2000 will provide some answers.

The film is set in a future America (as conceived of 20 years ago that is), where our status as a world power is reduced, and the country is ruled by a dictator who doesn't even stay in this country, but rules from somewhere else. The story concerns the annual Trans-continental Road Race, where reaching the finish line first is not as important as scoring 'points' along the way (the dialog early in the film gives the breakdown as far as scoring goes). The racers are: Nero The Hero, Mathilda the Hun, Calamity Jane, Machinegun Joe Viturbo, and Frankenstein. They start at one end of the country, with stops at St. Louis, and Arizona, and end up at New Los Angeles. But, a small group of rebels, in an attempt to end the carnage, plot to sabotage the race. Their first victim is Nero the Hero, whom they simply blow up. They then break into the race broadcast and announce their demands. The government denies it even happened, and the race goes on. At the first stop in St. Louis, we find that Frankenstein is not what the government says he is. Supposedly, whenever Franky was in one of the frequent pile ups, he was repaired and rebuilt in time for the next race. In reality, the government secretly bred, raised and trained drivers to replace each Franky when he died. This one doesn't want to end up like his predecessors. Franky wants to win the race, because he wants to kill Mr. President, and only the winner can get close enough to do that (the weapon he plans to use has to be one of the all time bad puns in cinematic history). Unfortunately for him, the rebels want to kidnap him, thinking that they can use him as a bargaining chip for the abolishment of the race. They kill another driver (Mathilda the Hun) by tricking her into driving off a cliff. Then they make their first attempt at nabbing Franky. They almost succeed, mainly because Franky's navigator Annie is on their side. Then they get Calamity Jane to run over a land mine, and try for Franky again. They fail again, and Mr. President goes on TV and blames the whole mess on The French. Franky let's Annie in on his plan, which has to change after they use his secret weapon to get rid of Machine Gun Joe. People get squashed, blown-up, skewered, gored, splattered, and decapitated before the conclusion of the film, where the hero & heroine live happily ever after.

The film stars David Carradine (of Kung Fu fame) as Frankenstein, Simone Griffeth (if anyone has ever seen that name pop up elsewhere I'd like to know) as Annie, his navigator and granddaughter of the rebel leader, and Sylvester Stallone (who hadn't heard of Rocky yet, and probably needed the work) as Machine Gun Joe. A few other people you might of heard of include the former congressman from Iowa, Fred Grandy (Love Boat's lovable Gopher) as Mathilda's navigator Hermann the Germann, Mary Woronov (also the good mad scientist in Night Of The Comet) as Calamity Jane, and in a brief shot as a mechanic, John Landis (director of An American Werewolf in London and Animal House).

Death Race 2000 is not a perfect movie by any means; the effects are the ultimate in cheesy, the race cars are downright silly (VW Beetle kit cars), and the acting is downright wooden in places (although sometimes it works, as in the case of the senior announcer). Even more annoying is the quality (or lack thereof) of the video transfer. Rental stores may have the studio release of the film available, but if you buy it, you'll probably be stuck with an EP recorded cheapie release (my copy has one scene recorded twice, like a skip in an old phonograph record) But then again, this was a 'B' movie (you know, the film at the drive-in where you and your significant other would be too busy in the back seat to care about the film), and when taken as such, proves to be a good example of the genre. Besides, Death Race 2000 was taking a satirical look at America's obsessive love with violence 20 years before Quentin Tarrantino and Oliver Stone brought us Natural Born Killers, and it is a good way to kill an hour or so.

Dave

There was a time when I didn't like Kevin Kline. That was mostly because I didn't like the people I saw him portray in movies. Irrational, I know, but I think people tend to do that -- if someone consistantly plays nasty people very well, most people don't like them. Then he went and married the extraordinarily cute Pheobe Cates (who is far younger than him), giving me even more reason do dislike him. Then he and the missus did a bit on Sesame Street, and I thought, maybe he's not such a bad guy after all. And then this......

Kevin plays 2 parts in this movie, Bill Mitchell (the president), and Dave Kovic. Dave is not the president, but an incredible simulation -- oh sorry, that was Beatlemania. Actually Dave runs a temp agency that tries (perhaps) a little too hard to find it's people work, even if it means talking his accountant Murray (Charles Grodin) into hiring someone he doesn't really need. And, since he does bear a striking resemblance to the president, he picks up spare money impersonating him. That brings him to the attention of a Secret Service agent (the eternally cool, Ving Rhames), who has been sent to find a guy to impersonate the president -- for security purposes. Or so the president can screw his secretary, which is the case here. Unfortunately for him, he (the president) suffers a massive stroke. So the chief of staff, Bob Alexander (Frank Langella), hatches a plan. He's a powerhungry twit, and decides to have Dave continue long enough to get rid of the current vice president (Ben Kingsley) and have himself appointed instead. Then they can get rid of the president, and he can take over. So Dave goes along with it, and all is fine, until he meets the first lady, Ellen Mitchell (Sigourney Weaver). She and the president don't get along (seems she has a thing about her husband sleeping around with other women), but when Dave sees her, he's immediately smitten. She, on the other hand, absolutely despises him -- which thrills Bob and Allan Reed (Kevin Dunn), the press secretary. Time goes on, the plot to discredit the vice-president is growing, and Dave gets to do all these fun public appearances -- goofing at a factory, visiting kids with Ah-nuld, throwing out the first pitch of the season, and finally a homeless shelter for kids. This he does with Ellen, who ends up quite suprised by the way her 'husband' seems to care about what happens to these kids. All of which blows up when Bob vetoes a bill that would have provided funding for the homeless -- and the shelter they visited. She storms into his shower to tear his head off. Dave has no clue as to what happend, and calls in Bob and Allan. Bob, who is outraged at having been called in, tells him that is he wants his homeless shelters so bad, he'll have to find 650 million dollars from the budget somewhere. So, Dave calls his accountant Murray in, sends out for some food, and the 2 of them manage to find the money. The next day at the cabinet meeting, Allan has arranged for the media to sit in on the 100th meeting, which is the perfect time for Dave to bring out his plan (who's gonna waffle with the media present). Dave finds the money, everyone cheers, except for Bob. Allan asks him what his problem is, he just did what he was told -- find 650 million dollars from the budget. Bob yells that he's going to get rid of Dave, and Allan says 'then we'll all go to jail'. Bob menacingly asks if that was a threat, and Allan says yes, I guess it is. Then Ellen comes in and asks Dave a trick question that he doesn't answer right. She then asks where Bill is. So Ellen, Dave, and Duane (the cool Secret Service guy) go down to a basement hospital where Bill is being kept alive by machines. Ellen decides it's time to leave, and so does Dave. They sneak out of the White House, get stopped by the cops (where the two of them have a hard time trying to convice the cops that they aren't the president and first lady). Then, they end up going on a date, where they decide to try to do some good. The first action is to fire Bob. Then a press conference where Dave announces a new jobs bill. The public, while thinking that the president has gone a little bit dotty, thinks it's a great idea. Then Bob, who has successfully embarassed the vice president, decides to go after the president too. He calls a press conference to announces his allegations. Dave says it's bad enough to trash the vice president, but he has to drag him is as well. That's when Allan tells him that it's all true. So one more ploy -- Dave calls for a joint session of congress, where he plans to answer to Bob's charges. He stands up, and says -- Yes, it's all true except for 2 things: The vice president had nothing to do with it, and: Bob Alexander did -- here's the written proof. Then as he's pleading for his jobs bill, he has a conveniently timed massive stroke. There's a mad dash to the hospital where the president comes out of the back of the ambulance, and Dave -- once more a normal citizen -- comes out the front. Bill holds out for a few months then finally expires, the vp takes over, and Dave decides to run for city council, with the Widow Ellen by his side, and his favorite Secret Service agent guarding the door.

This is another one of those 'cute' movies that I happen to like a lot. And, since it's a political movie set in D.C., there are guest cameos a-plenty -- From Jay Leno and Kathleen Sullivan, to the late Tip O'Neill and Paul Simon, to afore mentioned Ah-nold and Oliver Stone (who does a magnificent job spoofing himself, it gave me a new appreciation for the man -- not his movies, but him). This is a very nice film -- and I find myself actually liking Kevin Kline now.

He's still to old for Pheobe Cates though.

The Dark Half

Secret Window, Secret Garden is a story about a writer living in solitude, who eventually goes schizophrenic and starts killing people. His alter ego is a man who claims that the writer stole one of his stories, and is out to get him. Before that, Stephen King took that story a different direction in his book The Dark Half .

This story is one of the many that loosely orbit around the fictional town of Castle Rock, Maine, so some of the characters from other King flicks show up in this film. In this case, it's the character of Alan Pangborn that appears in multiple films (both Needful Things and The Dark Half). In The Dark Half though, the real story is Thad Beaumont / George Stark (both played surprisingly well by Tim Hutton). Thad was conceived with a twin, but only he made it out (a very common occurrence). Well, that's not quite true, seems part of his twin was absorbed into his head, and required surgical removal as Thad approached adolescence. Then through some twist only King can come up with, his brother comes back as the physical representation of Thad's fictitious pseudonym (pardon the redundancy), George Stark. George is not a happy guy. His stories make King's stories look like happy fairy tales (so of course they sell millions of books), while Thad's stories get critical praise and end up in the remainder bins at the local Eagles Supermarket (which oddly enough, is where I got my copy of this book). Then some nosy fan discovers that Thad and George are one and the same, and decides to try to cash in on his knowledge. But Thad has become much more pleasant in his old age (he has a wife (Amy Madigan), and two kids (twins in fact)), so rather than pay off the nosy fan, he decides to go public with the story himself, and lay George to rest. Bad move. George crawls out of the grave (literally), and starts killing people, and since he's a product of Thad's mind, he has Thad's fingerprints, and even shares Thad's thoughts. At first, Sheriff Pangborn wants to arrest Thad, but since all of Thad's alibis check out, he has no choice but to help Thad when George moves in. After some sneaking around by Thad, a lot of neck slitting, cop killing, and kidnapping by George, we get to the big showdown where Thad wins and gets his summer house destroyed, George looses and gets carted back to the nether world, and the actor playing Alan Pangborn (Michael Rooker) doesn't get cast to play him in Needful Things.

This film follows the usual format that directors take with King films, dark and forboding throughout. Victims all look rather stupid, and you feel like yelling out LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU STUPID, but of course you don't because this isn't The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and you're not supposed to. I said Hutton did a good job playing the dual role because he plays the part, not as twins separated at birth, but as two completely different people, who just happen to share a few physical parameters (oh yeah, and a brain too). Story faithfulness is pretty good here too, probably because this book isn't too terribly long (much the same can be said of Carrie as well). The film is low budget, which is why it didn't seem too get much exposure (apart from a fold out poster in Rolling Stone), but I think you'll find it an enjoyable film all the same.

Bull Durham

I'm not the world's biggest baseball fan. I have seen a grand total of 4 major league ball games (I saw the Card's lose to the Mets (the same year they won the series, oddly enough), saw them beat the Cubs several years later, then watched the White Sox split 2 games with the Orioles). When I root for a team, it goes like this, the Cards over whoever, the Cubs over anyone but the Cards, and the White Sox over anyone (unless they should ever have to play the Cards in the series, then I'm not sure). But, if you live in Durham NC, you'd root for the local minor league team, The Bulls.

As you should have guessed from the introduction, this film is primarily about a baseball team. The Bulls aren't exactly the most successful team in the Carolina League, but The Organization (sounds like the Mafia, doesn't it), has signed up a hot new pitcher; Eppie Calvin 'Nuke' La Louche (aka Meat). Nuke has a blinding fast ball, but atrocious aim, and a severe lack of control. In his first professional game he breaks the league record for strike outs, as well as the record for walks. Enter Crash Davis, the player to be named later. Crash has been in the minor leagues about as long as Nuke has been walking, and it's his job to mature the kid. The problem is, one of the teams biggest fans, Annie Savoy, has also decided to take Nuke under her wing. You see, each year, Annie picks one player that she tries to mature a little, on the field and off. This year she decides to choose between Crash and Nuke, but Crash isn't interested in anyone interested in 'that boy'. So, Annie starts her training of Nuke, and Crash starts his. The team, with the exception of Crash, has been performing poorly, but as Nuke learns about Life and Baseball, things start looking up. Nuke starts winning games and everyone is happy except for Annie. Her problem is, Nuke is on a streak, and he thinks he's winning because he hasn't been sleeping with her. After one successful road trip, he comes back and she tries to seduce him, but he tells her that Crash told him not to have sex with her. She rushes to Crash's house to yell at him, and he reminds her about the sanctity of the Streak. She utters the line 'This has been a hell of a year, the Bulls can't lose, and I can't get laid', and realizes that she's absolutely, totally in love with Crash. Well, the Bulls lose the game that night (Crash manages to get himself thrown out of the Game, and the rest of the team just falls to pieces), and she realizes that a man is going to be coming over, the problem is, it will be the wrong man. Sure enough, Nuke is at the doorstep, but before anything can happen, he gets the call; He's going to the Major Leagues. The Organization decides that the experiment with Nuke worked so well, that they'll try it out with a new catcher. Crash gets released from his contract, goes to Annie (who already knows) and they spend an indeterminate amount of time going after each other .. in bed .. on the floor .. on the kitchen table .. in a bath tub .. until finally the day comes when he goes off to another town, just so he can finish the season, and break the minor league home run record. One rained out day, Annie comes home to find Crash sitting on her porch swing. He says he hit his dinger (a dinger is a home run, you dirty minded people), and he's done with playing, though he might try managing. Annie says she's done with players, but not baseball, and that she thinks he'll be the best manager ever. Then they go in and dance.

The film stars Kevin Costner (Crash Davis), Susan Sarandon (Annie Savoy), and Tim Robbins (Nuke), as well as Trey Wilson (the manager) and Robert Wuhl (the assistant manager (you might remember him better as the reporter Knox, from Batman)). This is one of Costner's better films, mainly because he gets to be himself - no living the pure good life of the Indian - no horrendous attempts at a British accent - just a good old southern ballplayer. Robbins does his usual excellent job playing someone completely clueless. And Sarandon hasn't been sexier since playing Janet Wiess in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Robbins and Sarandon fell in love during the filming of this movie and moved in together shortly after. The film is highly watchable, even if you don't like baseball, and at the end, you and your significant other can dance around the living room with Annie and Crash - Care to?

The Brady Bunch, and A Very Brady Sequel

Here's the story, of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls -- come on, you all know the words -- all of them had hair of gold, like thier mother, the youngest one in curls. I know that most of you youngsters out there may not have the same warm feelings I do about the Brady's, but given the years of reruns, I know you've seen them more than once. And if you've seen these films, you've seen it more than twice.

The Brady Bunch Movie: We find our heroes and heroines in '90's LA -- or at least everyone around them. They still seem to be stuck in the same early '70's groove they were in when we last saw them in series form (forgetting about the assorted TV movies and the rather silly variety show most of them starred in). The story? The next door neighbor -- Larry Dietmeyer -- is trying to sell his block to a developer to build a residential mini mall. Everyone but you know who has agreed. Unfortunately for the Bradys, they've forgotten to pay the property taxes, and they have 5 days to cough $20,000, or their house will be auctioned off. The kids find out, and they start trying to raise money (Greg tries to be a rock star, Marsha and Jan try to be Teen Models), while Mike tries to sell a design to get the money (the designs for a gas station, fast food joint, and health club are all the same as his house) It seems hopeless, but he makes the sale -- Deitmeyer finds out, and spoils it for him. The kids save the day when they win a "Search for the Stars" contest and come up with the $20,000 -- just in time to stop the auction.

A Very Brady Sequel: This time around finds the Brady's preparing to celebrate Mike and Carol's anniversary, only to be interupted by the unexpected return of Carol's husband. Except he's not her husband, but his old assistant Trevor -- and the one responsible for his disappearance. He's after a horse statue, that's worth millions of dollars. The horse is out being cleaned (Jan spilled grape juice on it), so he waits around for it's return. Then, it goes to a charity auction (Zsa Zsa Gabor outbids him on it), and he steals it from there. Then, when the kids confront him about not being Carol's long lost husband, he pulls a gun and kidnaps Carol to Hawaii. Mike, Alice and the kids follow them, where thay all meet up at some rich guy's mansion, and we find that Carol's husband, "The Professor" and the rich guy's son Gilligan were both lost on the same boat -- The S.S. Minnow. Trevor goes to jail, the Horse and the Brady's all go back home -- and Mike throws Carol a suprise reenactment of thier wedding as an anniversary gift. They all live happily ever after, until Barbara Eden shows up looking for her former master and husband, Mike.

These films have several things in common with the 2 Addams Family movies -- both were popular TV series, and in both of them, the sequel was the more entertaining film. Not that the first one wasn't fun -- but too much of the humor relies on fish-out-of-water jokes. And of course, there are the obligatory guest stars from the original -- Greg comes back as a record producer, Peter comes back as the gym teacher, Alice is a truck driver who rescues Jan, and Carol comes back as Carol's Mom.

Bladerunner (various incarnations)

Movie Studios have this annoying habit of telling directors what to do to their films. Sometimes it's telling Paul Verhoeven that he's shown entirely too many views of Sharon Stone's Nether Regions, or mentioning to Kevin Costner that his latest wolf picture is about 2 hours too long (or that the cost of his latest sea epic is rapidly approaching the Federal deficit). Either way, the film maker has to cut footage before their films will be released. This has lead to a rash of unrated videos, and the ubiquitous Directors Cut video's. This is not, always a bad thing though. Case in point, Blade Runner.

The popular sci-fi film is the story of a group of artificial humans who illegally return to Earth, in a quest to find their creator, and to find some real reason for their existence. Decker (Harrison Ford) is a cop who's pulled out of retirement to track down and retire (a.k.a. kill) these replicants (played by Rutger Hauer, Brion James, Joanna Cassidy and Daryl Hannah). Decker goes to the Tyrell corporation (where the replicants are made) and interviews Rachel (Sean Young ... I fell in love with her after seeing this movie (this was before I met my wife though)) in order to test his detection equipment. He has a hard time getting a lock on Rachel, because she doesn't know she's a replicant. The big problem with replicants, explains Tyrell, is that they have no memories to base their lives on, so they gave Rachel 'memories'. She's worried about the test results, and later goes to Decker who spills the beans on what she is; Naturally she doesn't take this very well. Decker finds that he's developing feelings for Rachel, but he also has a job to do, so he follows up a lead, and finds Zhora (Cassidy). She nearly throttles him to death, then takes off running. Decker finds her, and guns her down. Unfortunately for Decker, Leon (James) finds him, and just as he's about to get killed, Rachel arrives and shoots Leon. Decker takes Rachel back to his place, where they decide they both are more than slightly interested in each other. Meanwhile (back at the ranch), Roy and Pris (Hauer and Hannah) have found a way to get to Tyrell: J. F. Sebastian (William Sanderson (of Larry, Daryl and Daryl fame)). Sebastian takes Roy to see Tyrell, only to have Roy kill Tyrell and Sebastian (that's gratitude for you). Decker hears about it, and goes back to Sebastian's place, finds Pris, and retires her (only after she tries to retire him of course). Roy returns, finds the last of his only friends dead, and spends the last ten minutes of the film in a one on one hunt with Decker. Just as Decker is about to plunge to his death, Roy reaches down and saves him, tells him about his short life, and quietly dies. Decker gets reminded (by another cop played by Edward James Olmos) that there's still a replicant at his apartment, and thinking that was a threat rushes home to find Rachel still OK. They get in his car and drive north to beautiful skies and freedom. All in all an excellent film; there's lots of neat scenery (which obviously inspired the set designers for every movie set in a grungey future), lots of action, voice-overs from Ford to fill in the plot, and even a happy ending for Ford and Young. It seems that Ridley Scott (better known for his Alien flicks) wasn't happy with those last two items, but to get the film out, he went along with it. And because of that, we also get a director's cut of the video.

Big plus: The Directors cut is letterboxed. For those of us that didn't get to see the film in a real theater (as opposed to one of those multiplex jokes) or were stuck with the small screen, we now get to see the whole scene.... and boy is it impressive. You don't even notice the missing voice over, and when you do, you think of how intrusive it was. We also see a previously chopped scene, where Decker has a vision of a Unicorn, supposedly in response to his wondering if he himself is a replicant (though I personally don't see it). This version ends with Decker and Rachel leaving the apartment, and finding (symbolically enough) the unicorn that Olmos has left on the floor; none of this driving through the mountains, with Decker telling us how they're going to live happily ever after, for all eternity. (ed. note - this was written before the advent of DVD's and the easy access to widescreen formatted movies)

Ben Hur

Lest you get the wrong idea, not all the movies in my cabinet are obscure little gems, or massive bombs, I too have my fair share of big blockbuster hits and favorite classics. But then again, you've probably seen Aladdin, the Indy Jones flicks, the Star Treks, the Ahnuld films etc.., and don't need me to tell you about them (but I will anyway, it's my home page, I'll do what I want! (insert evil laugh here - ed.). This time, we're going to take a look at the most impressive of the Charlton Heston Biblical Era Movies (pat. pending), Ben-Hur.

For those of you who are perhaps too young or disinterested to know the plot, here is a brief summary. Judah Ben-Hur (Heston) is a rich young Jewish Prince. Messala (Stephen Boyd) is a Young Upwardly-mobile Roman Tribune (YURTie), who was also Judah's boyhood chum. Messala comes back to Judea after making a name for himself in the Roman army, and tries to enlist Judah in a plan to quiet the rebellious Hebrews. Judah tells Messala that he can't, and, after a freak accident gives him an excuse, Messala throws Judah's mother and sister into prison, and has Judah sentenced to death (or to life as a rower on a warship, it was the same thing back then apparently). When the inevitable sinking of the ship arrives, Judah saves the life of an important officer (Jack Hawkins), who adopts him as his son. While in Rome, Judah becomes a leading Chariot Racer (kind of like a Roman Richard Petty), and all around Roman hero. But, he still pines for his family, and the girl he left behind (Haya Harrareet, the only principle of the film actually from the Israel / Palestine area). When a friend of his adopted father gets assigned the governorship of Judea (for those of you not schooled in Biblical history, said governor is Pontius Pilate (Frank Thring)), Ben-Hur decides the time is right for his return. When he reaches the promised land (oops, sorry, wrong movie), he is befriended by an Arabian sheik (Hugh Griffith) , who asks him to train his team of horses for the big races, which leads us up to the confrontation between Ben-Hur and Messala in the big Chariot Race scene. Messala dies, Judah lives, finds his family (who were released from prison, but only because they had leprosy), experiences a miracle (while watching the Crucifixion, some of Jesus' blood falls on the lepers, and heals them), and lives happily ever after.

This film is a fine example of my big pet peeve about normal home video releases. The Pan and Scan. Ben-Hur was filmed in an extremely wide screen format, and without letterboxing (which my version fortunately has), scenes such as the chariot race, and the sea battle are turned into major jokes. The original format for the movie wasn't even wide enough for some of the shots they tried to make, so when you're watching it panned and scanned, it's just pathetic. (ed. note - this was written before the advent of DVD's and the easy access to widescreen formatted movies)

Video transfers aside, this is a fantastic film, with one of the all time best action sequences ever (for those of you mentioned before, that would be the Chariot Race), so beg, borrow, or steal (temporarily) a copy of the 35th Anniversary Letterboxed edition of this film. It includes a documentary on Ben-Hur and it's history on film and the stage (can you imagine the chariot race scene on a theater stage?). If it matters to you, although the film is rated G, the documentary would probably be rated at least PG. It contains some early attempts at color footage in a very old version of the film, with nubile young girls running topless before the conquering hero, and includes some rather frank discussion about the making of this film. You'll need several hours free, but it is more than worth the effort to watch.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai

If Peter Weller, Ellen Barkin, John Lithgow, Jeff Goldblum, and Christopher Lloyd were to all star in one movie, would you go see it? How about we add Dan Hedaya, Vincent Schaivelli, Carl Lumbly, and a bit of Yakoff Smirnoff, John Ashton, and Billy Vera? Then you'd want to see The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

The film is about Peter Weller's character, Buckaroo Banzai, son of Japanese and American parents (hence the eclectic name), comic book hero, rock star, brain surgeon, scientist, and all around cool guy. With the help of a scientist (played by Robert Ito, the guy who played Jack Klugman's assistant in Quincy (I wonder if he's related to the judge?)), he has discovered a way to drive through solid matter. Unfortunately, this is where a bunch of alien bad guys have been stashed, and when the Alien stashers find out that Buckaroo can go where the alien stashees are, all heck breaks loose. It seems that some of the alien bad guys had escaped when Buck's scientist friend was helping Dr. Emilio Lazardo (John Lithgow in a wonderfully psychotic role) do the solid matter stunt years earlier. Lazardo didn't quite make it through, and is possessed by John Worfin, the leader of the bad guys. The aliens are (for some reason) all named John, and work for a company called Yoyodyne, where they've been trying to rescue their friends so they can return to Planet 10, and take over. When Banzai succeeds where he failed, Lazardo breaks out of the insane asylum he was locked up in, and tries to steal Banzai's Oscillation Overthruster (the device that allows him to drive through rocks). When they can't find the gizmo, they take Ellen Barkin (who plays the romantic counter point, the tragic Penny Priddy) and hold her hostage. Banzai is contacted by the good aliens (who are also all named John, and all seem to be Jamaican), and one of them helps Banzai stop their evil plans, rescue Penny, blow up the bad guys, and live happily ever after.

This movie seems to be one of those overlooked Sci-fi gems, that gets more attention from people in the business (the crew of Star Trek seems to know the movie quite well) than from viewers. It's an enjoyable film, with some great quotes (one being 'No matter where you go, there you are', and my personal favorite, 'Home is where you wear your hat'), and enough fun to keep sci-fi fans coming back again.

The Abyss

In the big picture, most films are merely variations on themes. After the Bond films came out, any spy film was compared to them. Most of the early 80's teen sexploitation comedies were compared to Porkies (even a few that had little or no sex to them). Before Freddie came on the picture, most mutilated teen flicks were compared to Friday the 13th. Lately it's been Die Hard (actual quotes: Under Siege -> Die Hard on a destroyer; Speed -> Die Hard on a bus; Cliffhanger -> Die Hard on a mountain). So a few years ago, when this film and Leviathan came out, they got their inevitable comparisons. Leviathan was called Aliens under water (an extremely valid comparison incidentally), and The Abyss was Close Encounters under water.

We start out on a ballistic missile submarine, which has just made contact with something moving very fast. A lot of Hunt For Red October-ish submarine things go on as they try to figure out what it was, but after one buzz by causes a ship wide power failure, they end up crashing into an underwater mountain. The sub sinks ... permanently. The Navy finds the disaster beacon, and decides to attempt a recovery. Fortunately for the Navy, a big oil company has an experimental underwater drilling platform in the area that they can stage their rescue operation from. Enter Ed Harris, the leader of the underwater oil drillers. He's not too keen on the idea at first, but after the company offers big bonuses for the work, they decide to go ahead. Enter Michael Biehn, the head Navy Seal assigned to the mission, and Mary Elizabeth Mastrontonio. Mary is the only person around who can take them down. She also happens to be the one who designed the drilling rig, and she isn't too happy about it being hauled around the ocean floor so the Warheads at the Pentagon can look for their lost toy. She, Michael, and the rest of the good ship Lollipop arrive at the rig, where we not only get introduced to the concept of high pressure sickness, but we also find out what everyone thinks of her .. including her husband, Ed. They move the rig closer to the wreck, then they all suit up and go take a look. Sure enough, the submarine has sunk. They go back, and receive word that there's an incoming hurricane, and it might be a good idea if they disconnect their umbilical cable from the surface ship it's attached to. One problem, Lt. Michael and his boys have gone back to the sub to get one of the little toys out of one of the little tubes. So, before they can get everything unhooked, the storm tears the crane holding the cable loose from the surface ship, sending it hurtling down toward them. Tense minutes. Hip Hip Hooray, the crane misses. The crane lands at the edge of a deep trench. Oops, the crane falls off the edge of the deep trench. Oh No!! the crane is dragging the rig to the brink of the abyss (get it?). Whew, they stopped, that was close. But Look! They've attracted the attention of the cute little critters that started this trouble in the first place, and now they're paying a little visit to the drilling rig. While all this is going on, the Lt., who is suffering from the previously mentioned pressure sickness, has been going quietly nuts, and decides it's time to Nuke the Critters!! There's a big chase (underwater of course, so things go kinda' slow), Michael Dies, Mary Drowns, and Ed swims back with her. They resuscitate her (thank goodness for hypothermia), and put Ed in a special deep DEEP DEEP diving suit, so he can go down and stop the bomb. He deactivates the bomb, but unfortunately doesn't have enough oxygen to return. Luckily for Ed, the cute little critters are grateful for his effort, and take him to their digs, where they provide him with a nice little air bubble. Then they fire up their big sub, and haul up Ed, Mary, the crew, and the whole bloody oil rig, to the surface; they even manage to lift the rig's mother ship, and several battleships hovering around the area completely out of the water (told you them little critters had a big sub). Ed comes out and embraces Mary, and they all live happily ever after.

So, did you catch the parallels? No, well then I guess you'll have to watch the film. There aren't a whole lot of big names in this movie, in fact, the only other name from the cast you might find even vaguely familiar is Chris Elliot (who isn't playing an idiot for a change). The big deal about this film is the technological innovations that were developed for it. For instance, did you know that Terminator 2 owes much of it's success to this film? The 'Morphing' effect used throughout T2 was developed for the water tube creature in this film. The high intensity lighting developed for this film made some of the underwater documentaries of the Titanic possible. The film itself was made in an old unfinished nuclear reactor; they built the sets, and then filled the whole thing with water (gee, an underwater film actually filmed underwater, wow). It's an interesting film, even with the warm fuzzy ending. Anyone up for a swim?

Introduction

Hey look, another blog. There was a time once where I started this, then gave it up because the software was too buggy - now I'm using it more than my old site. Anyhoo... I'll be writing my movie reviews here from now on, and to make it look real good, I'll be importing my old movie reviews until everything is moved over here.

All I have to do is make it all look pretty...